It is all a dream. All I see, feel, think or do
But I close my eyes and see more dreams
everywhere I look, dreams
decaying dreams
nothing real.
I don’t want to dream
I don’t want to see or think or feel
the dreaminess.
There is too much
I can’t shut it out
it won’t stop screaming at me.
I don’t know how much longer
I can keep this up.
There is no rest, no relief or escape.
Valium, pain meds, muscle relaxants
more pills
and glasses of scotch
nothing helps.
Perhaps I just need a few more.
Where is my ticket to oblivion?
Where is the sleep
the night when all is quiet
when it all slows down
when I can close my eyes
and it all goes away?
When will it all go away?
It has already started
gone is desire
gone is color
gone is fragrance
gone is meaning
and purpose.
I want for nothing
it is nothing only I crave.
Outside the winter wind blows
the rain falls
and it is no different
than a spring morning
filled with sunshine
Why am I writing this?
I have nothing to say
I have nothing I want to say
there is nothing meaningful to say.
These are only words
spoken to phantoms
from the mist drifting
in my decaying mind.
Soon, soon it will all go away.
Soon it will all end
I tell myself.
But, it doesn’t end.
The whole cycle of birth
and rebirth continues
unending.
This eternal cycle ever repeating
this maelstrom of consciousness
forever twisting
wrenching all the joy
that might have been
from the soul.
A soul that should die
that wants only to die
but is cursed to eternal
unending existence
with no hope of redemption.
And so ends another year
as I sit in this dark corner
and wait
once again
for the sun to rise.
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