What has Been Your Greatest Challenge?

For me marriage and raising kids, especially during their teen years was one of the greatest challenges in my life, but even beyond this, it was learning to accept and love myself with ALL the stuff that I saw as so Wrong and beyond fixing. It was, seemingly, THE most impossible of anything I have had to deal with.
Being able to transform a lifetime of self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy, and worthlessness into an unconditional love and compassion for ME and who I am, has made all those painful years a non-issue.
But, I also see this and all that has been, as OK and as it should be, perfect WITH all the flaws and wrongness’s. I would change nothing, I love it all as it is and was, because it has all brought me to this moment. In this moment, at this place and time, I am ecstatically happy; I am comfortably comfortable, completely, with me, with everything surrounding me, with everyone in my life, those who are not and with all the stuff that would otherwise be labeled as wrong. The stuff of life that is unpleasant is still there, still raises its ugly head, but has nothing to do with my happiness.
Happiness IS, Joy IS and its warm glow caresses my heart, my soul and those of each and every one of us, and all we have to do is just let go of our hold on our reasoning and let ourselves fall freely deep into our heart without restraint or conditions.

Loneliness

Loneliness is most poignant when we find ourselves lying in bed next to someone who seemingly deeply loves us and yet cannot understand in any way, how or why “anyone” could ever love who we are; because you see loneliness is not about being alone, but is about being exiled from our own love and compassion for ourselves.
It has taken a very long time, nearly a lifetime, to finally get this and to be able to forgive myself for all my failings, the ugliness I saw and for being so unlovable; it took so long to learn to love who I am, as I am, without conditions or expectations. And in all this to see just how perfect I am (even as flawed as I am) and that in whatever situation I find myself in, to know deep down to my core, that the whole universe and the divine mystery of it all is there with me, supporting me, loving me, guiding each and every move I make, in spite of what I think I am doing or have ever done; all without any conditions or demands.
The day finally came when I could look deeply at myself, with an eye into my soul or even gazing at my image in the mirror and really like the one I saw there. It was/is almost like falling in-love, falling in love with myself for very first time, each moment, and truly feeling at home and comfortable in my skin, with me and my relationship to who I am.
It is from this place, I have finally been able to accept being loved, even by my own children and really feel it; it is from this place, I can finally love others, be loved by them and really experience being loved, without stronger feelings of undeservedness drowning them out.
I can, for the first time, be without those intense feelings of loneliness, either when I am alone or when I am with another, which had in the past always plagued most of my waking moments.
I have hesitated for some time to write anything here on this blog, trying to come to grips with these new feelings and this relationship to who I am, for fear it was only residual leftovers from my vision quest nearly a month ago. But contrary to my expectations, those feelings, that sense of peace and rightness have grow a little each day. Something has shifted; something has touched me in a way I could never understand; perhaps this is what the Divine Mystery that permeates all of creation is all about. Perhaps everything that happens and is felt are just steps of some cosmic and divine dance in which each of us is partner in; a dance without goal, purpose or objective, but a dance just for the joy of the dance. A joy we often lose sight of when looking for purpose.

The Countdown is Almost Complete

Last year I set a date to go off into the upper Sierras, away from people, computers, phones, radios, music, books, food and drink. I wanted to get away from all those distractions and diversions that I use as my personal opiates to keep from having to look at me and my relationships with people and things in my life.
There are times when I soar on spiritual and emotional highs; times when my life long search for that illusive truth finds moments of euphoria and bliss; times when the light shines through all the cracks. In those moments the whole universe is my orchestra and I the conductor. In these times it feels like my very soul has expanded to encompass all I see; it feels as if it is caressing and being caressed, flowing through and into every person, being, plant, rock and tiny speck.
Then there are those times when everything is wrong, I am wrong, the world is wrong and even breathing the air is a defilement of the universe and everything it contains. There have been nights I woke up with an almost uncontrollable compulsion to blow my brains out for no apparent reason. I feel confused, frustrated, an alien in a universe which only wants me gone. There is always this nagging feeling that no matter what I do it is never good enough; I am never good enough and never will be no matter what I do. When I feel so alone, so unlovable, it is as if I were some hideous alien creature from some repugnant world of some other universe where the inhabitants are not even remotely human.
So I bounce back and forth from one extreme to the other, seemingly never resting somewhere in between. Seemly I say, because it is only the extremes which are etched in my mind. The in-between time simply go unnoticed. But, the frustration is that often the cycle runs full circle just on my commute to work; others it runs in cycles of days or weeks.
Anyway all this is what is and I get that. As the cycle moves, I have learned to just ride it out, mostly. But, I am missing something, who am “I”, what is this “what IS” and why all the attachment to outcomes and what appears to be? Questions, questions and more questions; any answers found only explode into more questions. The unending merry-go-round of this search for “truth” or whatever it is that feeds and drives this obsession. What really hurts the most is that there is no one who knows and understands what the fuck this is like. I can try to explain, but no one gets it. And I am truly alone with no hope of being otherwise. I want the cycle to stop, my life to stop or find some meaning in it all.
So the reason for this “Vision Quest” as I call it, for lack of a better term is to just sit with me, with myself, with this “I” and get to know them. Somewhere in the getting to know me, I hope to find something I can love unconditionally. I have put too many conditions on my love of myself, too many expectations and criteria for acceptance. I have to start here; there is no one else that deserves my love more. If I can’t love, understand and accept myself and do it unconditionally, then there is no hope for anything. I have fought this battle my whole life. It is time to stop the cycle of self loathing that keeps coming back again and again with every little bump in the road. Maybe not every bump, but it happens much too often and too often has too much of that homey comfortable feel to it.
I would think that by this time in my life I would have it figured out, but I don’t and have been feeling like I never will for some time. So I set the date last year and start tomorrow after work. I am going to go up into the mountains, find some back roads that you need a 4 wheel drive vehicle to drive on and get to a place that feels right, far from campers, hikers and people, just to sit with myself, and nature; sit and just listen, be with whatever happens or comes to visit. I have a ceremony to create my circle with stones, call in the directions, my guides, create sacred space and bless it; in which I will sit fasting for 3 nights and days. During this time I am going to meditate and try to open my mind and heart to whatever speaks to me, whatever I feel or appears to me.
I will see what happens. I have been planning this for almost a year now and am doing this quest with the option of it being a one way trip. It is time to put all the cards on the table, all or nothing. I am done with the merry-go-round; so Universe, give me some sense of my purpose or I quit.

Pilobolus perform "Symbiosis"

Look at Yourself

Thoughts by Camus

The rebel can never find peace. He knows what is good and, despite himself, does evil. The value which supports him is never given to him once and for all -- he must fight to uphold it, unceasingly.

~ Albert Camus

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.

~ Albert Camus

To live is to hurt others, and through others, to hurt oneself. Cruel earth! How can we manage not to touch anything? To find what ultimate exile?

~ Albert Camus

Just Sitting

I do enjoy just sitting with myself, relearning just how much I am my own best friend. Others are wonderful, but when you sit with someone who knows even your darkest secrets and most embarrassing weaknesses, and still loves you; that is a very special relationship, especially when that person is also you. One I know that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, I am always there, and am someone I enjoy being with.

There are times when it is otherwise, but even in those, just sitting in quiet, letting all those shouting, screaming critics and judges in my mind finish their rants; I can then kindly thank them for their input, sending them on their way and just sit with me. And in that sitting find me to be quite enjoyable to be with.

Sour Shoes

Sometimes I wear sour shoes, violins playing, voices bashing, curtains drawn against the splendor of the moment. Thinking I am these shoes, forgetting I can take them off, run barefoot shouting to the winds, I love who I am as I spread my wings, leap into the sky, soaring amongst stars and clouds, joy flowing through my veins. So goodby sour shoes, I feel the dew glazed grass beneath my feet now as I start my run.

Silently

The day came silently
as the world slept

Dreams dancing in twilight
hopes rising with the sun

All soon burnt
by battles within.

Crow and a Mosquito

Sitting in silence
Crow black as darkness
Giant mosquito perched
beside her.

What is your message
sitting there motionless
unmoving
unspeaking
just your eyes
staring into mine.

Harbinger of Death
knowledge of self
trickster of my soul
bringer of magic
messenger of the gods
What brings you to me
in this dark hour
before the end of night?

There beside you
proboscis poised
patiently sitting
waiting slyly
to drain my life?

There you sit
silently watching
Here am I
quietly watching
waiting.

What moves you
to come to me
in dreams
what moves you to
sit in silence
unmoving?

Is this a game
of mind

strategies
pitted one against the other
moves of cleverness
which can only end
in one victorious?

Is it a choice I must make
my soul carried away
or my life drained?

What is the meaning
of this omen
of this sign
of this image
seen as I return
from other worlds?