Thursday, November 11, 2010

Emotions

There is a reason men have been taught to repress their emotions. That is because they expose just how unclean and self-centered we really are.

Shifting Realms

Where is freedom
held within?

Remove from my path all who grasp at my limbs
open doors before all who I inhibit
that we may go freely

Release my shackles
loose the chains of all those I have bound
that we may be freedom

Relinquish all my expectations
dissolve any anticipations I may have created within others
that we may see clearly what is

Renounce all my need to be right
remove the wrongness’s I have created in the eyes of others
that we may all be free of judgment

Repudiate all my apparent truths
shine light on the darkness’s I have created for others
that we will all see our way

Resign my knower as knowing
listen to the wisdom being spoken by others
that we all will be wiser

Retire as speaker of my understandings
hear the words not spoken by those around me
that we will all be heard


If there be the listener who can hear and manifest these words
then let it be so.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Fallen Leaf

Sitting, waiting for something to animate my fingers
where is the song to weave into even one word?
just silence, only silence sitting
so quietly on every key.

Leaves float gently down in the moonless night
I can hear them falling in the darkness
it is so quiet
where are their voices
telling their story
How each began as a tiny bud
grew, unfurled into summer
becoming this magnificent leaf
transmuting ethereal light into food
nourishing towering giants
hungrily reaching heavenward
with now barren fingers.

But they remain silent
not a word ever spoken
as they fall now lifeless
to the ground.

Only stillness –
even the air rushes quietly
aside as they fall.

The veil is so thin tonight
I feel my homeland calling
just a breath away
and yet so, so far away
beyond my feeble grasp.

There are those who can hear
those who can see
that which in my deafness
in my blindness
I cannot.

I feel the music playing
but am too deaf to hear
my fingers touch
but cannot paint the images my
eyes in their blindness will not see.

What curse is this to tease me so
taunt me with ambrosial nectar
and then pull it from my sight
just as the scent begins to lift me
skyward into celestial realms.

What chains me to this earth
why were my wings burned away
what sin was cause for my expulsion
from the celestial paradise I once sang in.

My ears do not hear
my eyes no longer see
my mind is frenzied
and I can no longer sing the music I feel.

Perhaps I too am spent
and will soon fall lifeless
silently into the earth.

How can I make sense
even of what I have seen
or touched
or heard
or felt
when my words are heard as so meaningless
and so unintelligible to any who walk this earth.

Perhaps that for which I search
the song that I feel
is not expressible in words
or thought
or song
or even feeling.

Perhaps it is not meant for eye
or ear
or mind
or heart
but only
like the leaves
to grow silently
and fall
upon the ground
to decay
and in its decomposition
to be the fertile soil
for something more.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Camelot

Feed me delicate morsels of your soul
tantalize my desires with your eyes
Whisper your dark secrets into my ear
feast upon the heart of my soul
read my book of secrets
as I lay it open before you

And together we shall build Camelot
from the ruins of our pasts.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dear Death

Death dear Death,

I do so look forward to our future meeting distant though it may be, and seeing the look in your eyes as you are left holding my decaying empty shell, once again. We have danced to this tune so many times, the count is endless. Each time we meet as if it is our very first.
But such is Life, animated by Love, forever dancing, its shadow, Death, a silent partner, whirling round and round as we go.

If and a Prayer

If getting dirt under your nails
bothers You

If rolling naked with me in the mud
makes You feel dirty

If dancing as a princess at the ball
makes You feel like someone else

If making twisted love while others watch
makes You feel like a slut

If walking out your front door
in your underwear, never to return
is too much to ask of You

If stepping through the veil
into a strange alien world
is inconceivable to You

If there are any limits to anything
You could ever do

If anything you have done
defines who You are

If everything in this or any other world
is not part of who You are

If “if” is not meaningless

Then my search continues.

I don’t know who I am
only that I am
I do not know who your are
only that you are
We are not any "thing" we do
or have done
or will do
but everything
is a part of who we are

every feeling, every thought
every action or dream
and all are welcome
and accepted without
regret, trepidation
of appearances
or consequences

I seek someone who is like me
and understands
but mostly understands that
we do not understand
and jumps freely into
dark chasms of
the unknown.

I search
knowing all along
most likely you do not exist
except perhaps
in dreams and imaginings
but I search none-the-less
because somewhere I feel
there is this missing part of me
if not in this then in another world

And if there is a God or Goddess
to them for her I pray
this and every day.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Dancing in a Meadow

Sometimes I fear I overstep sense and reason and go dancing to the music I hear in a meadow of landmines.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Something Missing

It seems like there is always some new obstacle to remove or get around as each one is removed. Each one while new also seems to an aspect or new perspective of the previous one. Getting past the “I am not good enough” was a major hurtle that took most of a lifetime to master (or so I thought)and while one surpassed, provided much needed rest, peace and a good portion of euphoria, another deeper and much more intimate and hideous form arose.

I swear, while the crap in our lives may be catalyzing agent and fertilizer to help wondrous, blissful things blossom; the bliss and euphoria is the birth place of all the crap. Or at least it shines a light on it so it can be seen. OK, so maybe it doesn’t create it, but just makes it easily seen and now I have a new opportunity of growth.

Well it is true that opportunities abound for self improvement, but I am left wondering why the hell be given so many fucking broken pieces to work with. Being one mostly whole being, with rough edges to hone would have been quite sufficient and provide an opportunity to polish one magnificent gem. But, to have whole major subsystems missing is a whole different matter. Then when a major subsystem is found and put in, it has major parts missing too. If my car was this dysfunctional, I would have it towed to the junkyard and find another. But on this road, it isn’t an option.

So I am guessing the object of the lesson is to get it all put together and running by the end of the class, right?
Hello (hand raised), can I drop this class and try it again later when I am better prepared???


I found there is something terribly wrong. It just doesn’t make sense. I thought I had finally broken through that barrier when I finally was Ok with me. I mean really OK. I can look myself in the eye and like the person there. I noticed something while lying in bed one night and thinking, like do often. I was trying to remember loving someone and how it felt, how I felt hugging them. I thought about hugging my kids. I could not find one time I could remember that I felt love for anyone when I was hugging them. I could remember once in college, just that one time and nothing before or after. Not my parents, not my kids, any lovers, no one.

It is not that I don’t care; because I do care. I would do anything for my kids. I would without a 2nd thought take a bullet for them and a few others, but that warm feeling that comes from the heart when you are close to or hug someone you really care for, someone you love; it isn’t there.

I am unable to love. The one thing that many would say makes us human is missing from me. I care yes, I like yes, I want yes, I find myself filled with desire and lust yes, but that feeling from the heart for another, even for myself isn’t there. I even have felt “in love” with someone and still nothing there.

In the past when I would find myself in a situation with someone I felt deeply for, when it seemed we were about to express feelings of love to each other, I felt first this emptiness then this major debilitating panic attack. This could happen even with a simple phone conversation or just thinking about an upcoming date with them. Even making love to someone, still nothing felt from my heart, but then lust is all that is needed for good sex anyway, so this was never an issue.

It is a feeling like reaching out to hug someone and finding you don’t have any arms. And then they look at you with those eyes or you hear in their voice something that says “what is so fucking wrong, you don’t love or even like me why are you doing this to me.”

So I thought this was the “I’m not good enough, they will never like me” tape loop that was always running in my head. So I got that am OK, really OK, I am good enough or so I thought. It felt that way I didn’t feel I was lacking, filled with flaws yes, but I was OK with those. The tape was put away and hasn’t been playing for the most part and when it does, I put it away.

So WTF is going on. There is this dark hole in my chest where my heart should be. When I really feel that I love someone and want to feel that love, with them, for them or even while thinking of them, there is nothing there. All I can feel is this empty hole in my fucking chest instead. And the harder I try to find it and feel it, the deeper and more painful this hole becomes. So the truth is I really don’t want to go there. They say love hurts; well it really hurts when you are incapable of loving.

I have found myself to be not a well balanced OK person but a really majorly dysfunctional human (?) instead. Even a tiny child can master loving. So how “do” I get a heart? Sounds like a line from the Wizard of Oz. Well there ain’t any Dorothy to help out with this one, am on my own.

I have looked into some options for the next step. Not sure what I will try just yet, however this whole thing raises some issues and concerns. One I am certain I don’t want to share this with my family; then again I do want to share it, to talk with someone and let it out. But, who would ever understand what the hell I am even talking about; it just sounds way too bazaar. How do you tell your kids you never felt love for them? How do you tell anyone who cares for you and you care for, that you don’t love them and are in capable of loving, period? Then if I can grow a heart through some miracle, how am I going to feel then. All those years and decades, all that regret for what was lost because of my heartlessness? How do you tell someone I do love you, but I can’t feel it when I am with you? You know how FUCKING lame that sounds! LOL

Ah, those tumultuous thoughts forever whirling around in chaos in my warped, twisted, disturbed mind.

And so another rollercoaster ride is about to begin as a new dragon appears with which to do battle. Only this time I know it was all planned, before I even began this life and is as it should be. And I chose it all.

Oh what, WTF was I thinking, is my soul as mentally ill as I? LOL

Friday, September 24, 2010

What has Been Your Greatest Challenge?

For me marriage and raising kids, especially during their teen years was one of the greatest challenges in my life, but even beyond this, it was learning to accept and love myself with ALL the stuff that I saw as so Wrong and beyond fixing. It was, seemingly, THE most impossible of anything I have had to deal with.
Being able to transform a lifetime of self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy, and worthlessness into an unconditional love and compassion for ME and who I am, has made all those painful years a non-issue.
But, I also see this and all that has been, as OK and as it should be, perfect WITH all the flaws and wrongness’s. I would change nothing, I love it all as it is and was, because it has all brought me to this moment. In this moment, at this place and time, I am ecstatically happy; I am comfortably comfortable, completely, with me, with everything surrounding me, with everyone in my life, those who are not and with all the stuff that would otherwise be labeled as wrong. The stuff of life that is unpleasant is still there, still raises its ugly head, but has nothing to do with my happiness.
Happiness IS, Joy IS and its warm glow caresses my heart, my soul and those of each and every one of us, and all we have to do is just let go of our hold on our reasoning and let ourselves fall freely deep into our heart without restraint or conditions.



Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Loneliness

Loneliness is most poignant when we find ourselves lying in bed next to someone who seemingly deeply loves us and yet cannot understand in any way, how or why “anyone” could ever love who we are; because you see loneliness is not about being alone, but is about being exiled from our own love and compassion for ourselves.
It has taken a very long time, nearly a lifetime, to finally get this and to be able to forgive myself for all my failings, the ugliness I saw and for being so unlovable; it took so long to learn to love who I am, as I am, without conditions or expectations. And in all this to see just how perfect I am (even as flawed as I am) and that in whatever situation I find myself in, to know deep down to my core, that the whole universe and the divine mystery of it all is there with me, supporting me, loving me, guiding each and every move I make, in spite of what I think I am doing or have ever done; all without any conditions or demands.
The day finally came when I could look deeply at myself, with an eye into my soul or even gazing at my image in the mirror and really like the one I saw there. It was/is almost like falling in-love, falling in love with myself for very first time, each moment, and truly feeling at home and comfortable in my skin, with me and my relationship to who I am.
It is from this place, I have finally been able to accept being loved, even by my own children and really feel it; it is from this place, I can finally love others, be loved by them and really experience being loved, without stronger feelings of undeservedness drowning them out.
I can, for the first time, be without those intense feelings of loneliness, either when I am alone or when I am with another, which had in the past always plagued most of my waking moments.
I have hesitated for some time to write anything here on this blog, trying to come to grips with these new feelings and this relationship to who I am, for fear it was only residual leftovers from my vision quest nearly a month ago. But contrary to my expectations, those feelings, that sense of peace and rightness have grow a little each day. Something has shifted; something has touched me in a way I could never understand; perhaps this is what the Divine Mystery that permeates all of creation is all about. Perhaps everything that happens and is felt are just steps of some cosmic and divine dance in which each of us is partner in; a dance without goal, purpose or objective, but a dance just for the joy of the dance. A joy we often lose sight of when looking for purpose.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Countdown is Almost Complete

Last year I set a date to go off into the upper Sierras, away from people, computers, phones, radios, music, books, food and drink. I wanted to get away from all those distractions and diversions that I use as my personal opiates to keep from having to look at me and my relationships with people and things in my life.
There are times when I soar on spiritual and emotional highs; times when my life long search for that illusive truth finds moments of euphoria and bliss; times when the light shines through all the cracks. In those moments the whole universe is my orchestra and I the conductor. In these times it feels like my very soul has expanded to encompass all I see; it feels as if it is caressing and being caressed, flowing through and into every person, being, plant, rock and tiny speck.
Then there are those times when everything is wrong, I am wrong, the world is wrong and even breathing the air is a defilement of the universe and everything it contains. There have been nights I woke up with an almost uncontrollable compulsion to blow my brains out for no apparent reason. I feel confused, frustrated, an alien in a universe which only wants me gone. There is always this nagging feeling that no matter what I do it is never good enough; I am never good enough and never will be no matter what I do. When I feel so alone, so unlovable, it is as if I were some hideous alien creature from some repugnant world of some other universe where the inhabitants are not even remotely human.
So I bounce back and forth from one extreme to the other, seemingly never resting somewhere in between. Seemly I say, because it is only the extremes which are etched in my mind. The in-between time simply go unnoticed. But, the frustration is that often the cycle runs full circle just on my commute to work; others it runs in cycles of days or weeks.
Anyway all this is what is and I get that. As the cycle moves, I have learned to just ride it out, mostly. But, I am missing something, who am “I”, what is this “what IS” and why all the attachment to outcomes and what appears to be? Questions, questions and more questions; any answers found only explode into more questions. The unending merry-go-round of this search for “truth” or whatever it is that feeds and drives this obsession. What really hurts the most is that there is no one who knows and understands what the fuck this is like. I can try to explain, but no one gets it. And I am truly alone with no hope of being otherwise. I want the cycle to stop, my life to stop or find some meaning in it all.
So the reason for this “Vision Quest” as I call it, for lack of a better term is to just sit with me, with myself, with this “I” and get to know them. Somewhere in the getting to know me, I hope to find something I can love unconditionally. I have put too many conditions on my love of myself, too many expectations and criteria for acceptance. I have to start here; there is no one else that deserves my love more. If I can’t love, understand and accept myself and do it unconditionally, then there is no hope for anything. I have fought this battle my whole life. It is time to stop the cycle of self loathing that keeps coming back again and again with every little bump in the road. Maybe not every bump, but it happens much too often and too often has too much of that homey comfortable feel to it.
I would think that by this time in my life I would have it figured out, but I don’t and have been feeling like I never will for some time. So I set the date last year and start tomorrow after work. I am going to go up into the mountains, find some back roads that you need a 4 wheel drive vehicle to drive on and get to a place that feels right, far from campers, hikers and people, just to sit with myself, and nature; sit and just listen, be with whatever happens or comes to visit. I have a ceremony to create my circle with stones, call in the directions, my guides, create sacred space and bless it; in which I will sit fasting for 3 nights and days. During this time I am going to meditate and try to open my mind and heart to whatever speaks to me, whatever I feel or appears to me.
I will see what happens. I have been planning this for almost a year now and am doing this quest with the option of it being a one way trip. It is time to put all the cards on the table, all or nothing. I am done with the merry-go-round; so Universe, give me some sense of my purpose or I quit.

Pilobolus perform "Symbiosis"

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Thoughts by Camus

The rebel can never find peace. He knows what is good and, despite himself, does evil. The value which supports him is never given to him once and for all -- he must fight to uphold it, unceasingly.
~ Albert Camus

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.
~ Albert Camus

To live is to hurt others, and through others, to hurt oneself. Cruel earth! How can we manage not to touch anything? To find what ultimate exile?
~ Albert Camus

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Just Sitting

I do enjoy just sitting with myself, relearning just how much I am my own best friend. Others are wonderful, but when you sit with someone who knows even your darkest secrets and most embarrassing weaknesses, and still loves you; that is a very special relationship, especially when that person is also you. One I know that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, I am always there, and am someone I enjoy being with.

There are times when it is otherwise, but even in those, just sitting in quiet, letting all those shouting, screaming critics and judges in my mind finish their rants; I can then kindly thank them for their input, sending them on their way and just sit with me. And in that sitting find me to be quite enjoyable to be with.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Sour Shoes

Sometimes I wear sour shoes, violins playing, voices bashing, curtains drawn against the splendor of the moment. Thinking I am these shoes, forgetting I can take them off, run barefoot shouting to the winds, I love who I am as I spread my wings, leap into the sky, soaring amongst stars and clouds, joy flowing through my veins. So goodby sour shoes, I feel the dew glazed grass beneath my feet now as I start my run.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Silently

The day came silently
as the world slept

Dreams dancing in twilight
hopes rising with the sun

All soon burnt
by battles within.



Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Crow and a Mosquito

Sitting in silence
Crow black as darkness
Giant mosquito perched
beside her.

What is your message
sitting there motionless
unmoving
unspeaking
just your eyes
staring into mine.

Harbinger of Death
knowledge of self
trickster of my soul
bringer of magic
messenger of the gods
What brings you to me
in this dark hour
before the end of night?

There beside you
proboscis poised
patiently sitting
waiting slyly
to drain my life?

There you sit
silently watching
Here am I
quietly watching
waiting.

What moves you
to come to me
in dreams
what moves you to
sit in silence
unmoving?

Is this a game
of mind

strategies
pitted one against the other
moves of cleverness
which can only end
in one victorious?

Is it a choice I must make
my soul carried away
or my life drained?

What is the meaning
of this omen
of this sign
of this image
seen as I return
from other worlds?

Leaping

Diving into midnight fog
Jumping off the precipice
tumbling downward
Flying through indiscernible mists
Ringing tiny droplets
singing
dancing
whirling
twirling
swirling

fragments comingulating
in a chaotic choir of orgasmic moans

Lightning piercing contentment
tearing
slicing
chopping
shredding
mincing
discombobulating


Pausing

still
frames frozen

lips
poised
pursed
nearly
touching…

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Soulmates

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person.
Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life!"
~ Richard Bach

Friday, June 18, 2010

Sometimes

Sometimes
just a simple
innocuous
conversation
can give magnificient
wings
to one’s heart.

Sometimes
just the sound
of a voice,
can heal gaping
chasms
in one’s soul.

Sometimes
you can
be touched
to a depth
you never dared
believe possible.

Sometimes?
No, not sometimes.

Maybe once
or twice
in the whole
of a lifetime
would one
find someone
who can touch
you so.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

This Moment


Even when I am filled with sadness, I am not sad.
When fill with happiness, I am not happy
When filled with fear, I am not fearful.
Or act courageously I am not courageous.
I may have from time to time
but I am none of these things.

In this moment I am filled with joy
and in fields of dreams
I inhale their
fragrance
taste their
ambrosial nectar
and dance amongst
worlds yet to be born.

So remember your wings
take my hand
and dance
to the music
of our home world.

It Matters Little

It matters little how much any of us are deeply loved by someone. If we are not loved by the one we are most intimate with, ourselves; we will never really feel loved or understood.


Someone once said to me I need to learn to love myself. Love myself? Even the question drew a blank. There is nothing to love, I am unlovable, undeserving of love and nothing can ever change that. Of all the battles to fight in life, of all those to forgive the hardest and most unforgivable was myself. It wasn’t for anything in particular; there was something at the core of my soul which was eternally unforgivable and unlovable. Try as I may to find what wrong I needed to right, what evil I had done which could not be forgiven, none could be found. But, it was there, I knew it, I felt it and could not make it go away.

So here I am, the most unforgivable, most unlovable being in this or any universe. These are not just words but how I truly have felt my whole life. Yes, the academic excursions, sex, drugs, positive affirmations, meditations, and all the other fixes failed to do anything but provide a temporary distraction from what I felt.

So it all comes to this:
I am unforgivable, and I forgive myself.
I am unlovable, and I love myself.

And this is the paradox.

No answers, no fixes, no path or way to happiness.

It is being completely immersed in the paradox, diving in without any hope of ever coming up for air, letting go of a need for answers or fixes. In this seemly horrific experience, it all melts away and only limitless joy remains.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Alone

Alone as child
I flew with the birds
high into the sky
feeling the clouds
beneath my wings

Alone as child
the sun
sat on the mountain top
and smiled

Alone as child
there were secret places
where air
rustled with magic

Alone as child
I looked in the mirror
saw a face
no longer young
and wondered why.



Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Courtesan’s Earlobe

I lower my lips to whisper into her ear
but my tongue caresses her earlobe
instead.

My lips pause while
a moist appendage
fondles
a dangling
golden earring
teasing
heat from
deep within
her.

She listens as it slides around the curves
breath warm, humid
enveloping her ear
flowing across her cheek
through her hair

each strand wrapped
embraced by the heat
in my breath.

I whisper my deepest
secrets from the core of
my being.
thoughts naked
like an egg without a shell.

Thoughts
passions
lascivious desires
all of her
whispered
into a
receptive ear
for her
ear alone

Passions deep
from countless
lives
coming
from a bottomless
chasm
of longing
and desire
aching
wanting

waiting
for this
moment
alone.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I just want to blow my fucking brains out.

Sometimes I just want to eat lots of food, drink lots of scotch and blow my brains out. I look back on the dreams I had a young boy and know I have failed them, failed those I cared most about and know there is no redemption in what days remain. The face I see in the mirror is not who I thought I was or would become. I have only been a waste of good air and space. The only redeeming thought is that life is only temporary. The pain is that it continues, at least for the moment.

So in this space, in these feelings and thoughts; I sit, till I have taken them all in, felt them to the fullest and find a smile.



Sunday, March 14, 2010

Ing

Look around you, look inside you, at all the things. Look at each one; replace all the nouns with verbs.

See Tree-ing, table-ing, chair-ing, I-ing and everything-ing.

...

Suddenly there is this great profound mystery; unfolding, exploding, everywhere. Everything is in the process of become-ing; become-ing something totally and unexpectedly new; something which never was before or will be again. There is so much, everything-ings is becoming-ing; possibility is possibility-ing. OMG!
There is no longer possibility; not even unlimited possibility. Unlimited, countless, ever expanding possibly does not even come close.

There is Possiblity-Ing!!!!!
Become-ing
Being-ing and what Is-ing

And a whole new door just fucking blows open and takes the whole damn room with it.

And then there you are, sitting naked with all the universe-ings, big bang-ing all around-ing.

All this simply by morphing nouns to verbs...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Thoughts on Ethanol


It is so frustrating to spend a whole life searching and only glimpse such tiny specks of truth; only a few rare and far between pin pricks in the fabric of illusion.
And even with all the work to be more, find one’s self to be only an onion, rotten at the core, revealing a revolting stench to anyone who dared to peal away the layers of who I am.
Such are my thoughts on scotch. But, soon they will all stop and there will once again be peace in my mind. I am missing something and can’t seem to understand what it is. One thing I do know is that I don’t need or want to be fixed. So I will be with what is or seems to be so. And this is what I am thinking now. If hell be my destiny, then hell I willingly accept. None of it is real or of any matter. Such funny creatures we humans are. LOL Such foolish fools, as if anything we could ever do would make a difference.
The thoughts float by and new ones appear. New thoughts, new feelings and more just float through consciousness and I ride with each as they travel the roller coast rail.
But, I am not the coaster or the rail; merely a willing thrill seeker, along for the ride.
So WHEEEE and away I go.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Guardian


Standing stoic
blank, black
and still.

Oh door man
Buckingham palace guard stance
guardian of
hidden desires
and lascivious dreams.

Dark curtains
quiet
motionless
featureless
drawn so many
eons before
hide a cherished
treasure rare.

Within
the Goddess awaits
locked inside
outside the door
silently she knocks
knocks, knocking
hands bloodied
on that cold
cold
cell door.

Still her song
drifts through
darkness’s shifting sands
silently passing between
the bars of
conscious thoughts.


Carried coded
within letters of
words
words within verse
verse within
her song
silently sung.

But
I hear!

So listen and
hear my words
well!

I feel her cries
in the beat
of my heart
in the core
of my soul
and my voice
commands you.

Stand aside!

Draw back that curtain
fling open the door
and let Eos
free.

Release my
Soror Mystica
to me!

Never Always


Always never
never quite the same.

Roots deep
growing deeper still
worms rubbing
entwining
sensuously
licking probing
round the
tips of
temptation.

Sunlight unfolds
spring arms
rise to greet
the morning sun.

Rivulets of streams
forging torrential
rivers making
art of
barren lands.

Time always
to touch
time never
to always.

Garbage
lain upon
the alter
as all
bow down
in reverence.


Tuesday
the day after
the rain
washed open
the portal.

Tuesdays gone
he sung
gone with the
wind.

Wind twisting
whirling
clearing
the earth
of rubble.

Leaves
twigs and
branches
lay
decaying
life
for a
new
day.