Again

It is Christmas,
again.

I’m getting fat,
again!

Just want to run
and climb, jump
high into the air

But, I can’t, so
I eat.

I eat because eating makes
me feel happy,
something
smiles inside.

Not the painted smile
I put on my face;
but, a deep silky
pleasant smile that
starts growing,
warmly
somewhere in my stomach
then fills my chest
soaking deep into
my heart.

A warmth soothing
the slashes made by the
chards of broken ice
slicing with each beat.

I would like to be thin,
again!

But, it is cold, empty and
my fat caresses me
warmly, always there
never departing,
comforting all through
the evening
and into the night.

I would like to feel alive,
again!

But, I don’t
and so I eat
I eat because
I can feel the flavors
intertwining with my tongue
like lovers
entangled in ecstasy.

I would like to sit
and watch a setting sun
on a warm summers day,
again!

But, it is cold, clouded
and dark;
so I eat,
close my eyes as the
orange glow of pumpkin
pie sinks slowly down
my esophagus resting
in a warm glow
behind my navel.

It is a large
plate of cookies
piled high,
which next I spy
then
when you look again
they are gone.

So ends another Christmas
with settling cookies
and pumpkin pie.

All to the accompaniment of
“Miracle on 34th Street”
playing on the TV
off in the background.

Presaging

I am like a flag unfurled in space,
I scent the oncoming winds and must bend with them,
While the things beneath are not yet stirring,
While the doors close gently and there is silence in the chimneys
And the windows do not yet tremble and the dust is still heavy --
Then I feel the storm and am vibrant like the sea
And expand and withdraw into myself
And thrust myself forth and am alone in the great storm…

- by Maria Rilke

Gum on Your Soul

I got the following quote in an email from a dear friend.

“God determines who walks into your life....
it's up to you to decide who
you let walk away,
who you let stay,
and who you refuse to let go.”

It is a choice each of us makes but, not a easy one.

Of course my mind stared working and had to see another side too, so I was reminded of a quote by Kahlil Gibran

“If you love somebody, let them go,
for if they return, they were always yours.
And if they don't, they never were.”

We can only choose our own actions and can, or should, never stop anyone who truly wants to leave and not be a part of our lives, no matter how much they mean to us and we feel we need them or think they need us.

Where do we draw the line between letting go with love and hanging on till the very end for someone who needs our unconditional love and support? The nagging questions asked; am I making their life better or adding to their crap; who am I to be that self appointed judge on how to better another’s life?

There have been too many times when I have felt myself to be only the unwanted wad of chewing gum, gripping tenaciously, to the sole of someone’s shoe, picked up as they walked carelessly through life. Had they been watching where they were going, most likely, I would have been avoided and given a wide berth and their life, far more pleasant or so I have felt.

Since we so rarely get honest and open communication; the question of “can the right choice ever be made?” is always most certainly no. At some level, I am sure I am just adding to the crap but, then again perhaps, it may also be true, on rare occasions, that I am really making a difference in a good way. Truth is, I never really know.

One thing is certain however, we are all in similar boats, trying to navigate equally treacherous seas, mostly without any compass, stars or shore to guide us; our hands frozen, unable to grip the wheel, even if we could see where to go. Life is experienced as an endless stormy sea bounded by perilous rocks between us and any safe harbor we may dream and hope for.

If you are reading this expecting an answer or conclusion, I have none, just more questions or a long list of verifications that I am a wad of chewing gum. But, that is the nature of the mind and critic who dwells within, pretending to be me or you.

Somewhere, for some fathomless purpose, something created that wad of gum (if that is what we are or I am) and then we were set adrift, apparently discarded. But, that doesn’t mean I have to discard who I am and, I choose not to. If we all be wads of gum, then we will, at some point, all get suck together as one limitless wad of soul gum in universal oneness as the cosmos chews. Then we will be blown into one gigantic bubble; with a new universe coming into existence with another big bang.


Perhaps that is how it all started…

Samurai Song

by Robert Pinsky

When I had no roof I made
Audacity my roof. When I had
No supper my eyes dined.

When I had no eyes I listened.
When I had no ears I thought.
When I had no thought I waited.

When I had no father I made
Care my father. When I had
No mother I embraced order.

When I had no friend I made
Quiet my friend. When I had no
Enemy I opposed my body.

When I had no temple I made
My voice my temple. I have
No priest, my tongue is my choir.

When I have no means fortune
Is my means. When I have
Nothing, death will be my fortune.

Need is my tactic, detachment
Is my strategy. When I had
No lover I courted my sleep.

A Moments Peace

Buzz past an ear
serenity pierced
as if by a spear

It is all so clear
the theft of peace
and all my cheer

One tiny fly
who lights on my nose
all I want is it to die

Angry I became
trying to be calm but,
desired only to kill and to maim

To find my prey
I raised my eyes
and saw not too far away

Dangling in the air
undulating down;
without even a care

Celebratory decorations
from the ceiling flowed
most wonderful of man’s inventions.

Flypaper it is dubbed
hovering, waiting, silently
curly lips to suck the flying grub

Soon it lands and I know
I will be graced with quiet
and again peace will flow.

It tries to escape
from the deadly grip but,
is suck to that sticky tape

Squirm as it may
it will never survive
not again for any other day.

My peace restored
I sit with a smile
contending now with being bored