Happiness after Grief

by Kim Addonizio
From The Threepenny Reviews, Winter 2006

feels like such a betrayal: the hurt not denied, not pushed away, but gone entirely for that moment you can't help feeling good in, a moment of sudden, irrational joy over nothing of consequence, really, which makes it all somehow seem even worse. Shouldn't happiness be the result of some grand event, something adequate to counter the aching, gaping chasm that opened when . . . But, no: it's merely this: there goes our little neighbor, running barefoot, no pants, fox stole wrapped around her shoulder.

Drawn with Lines

Take some time to appreciate it.




When is anything real? Who makes it so?

Moment of Peace

Grogorians and Sarah Brightman




Light up the dark below,
See through the stars,
Reach to the earth's flow
Drift in the joy of our hearts,
Unleash the energy,
Taste of the wine
Drink as a Soul
That knows now, power divine

Some of my favorite ee cummings

one’s not half two. It’s two are halves of one:
which halves reintegrating, shall occur
no death and any quantity;but than
all numerable most the actual more

minds ignorant of stern miraculous
this every truth—beware of heartless them
(given the scalpel,they dissect a kiss;
or sold the reason,they undream a dream)

one is the song which fiends and angels sing:
all murdering lies by mortals told make two.
Let liars wilt,repaying life they’re loaned;
we(by a gift galled dying born)must grow

deep in dark least ourselves remembering
love only rides this year.

All lose, whole find

1944

*****************************************************


when god decided to invent
everything he took one
breathe bigger than a circustent
and everything began

when man determined to destroy
himself he picked the was
of shall and finding only why
smashed it into because

1944

********************************************



all ignorance toboggans into know
and trudges up to ignorance again:
but winter’s not forever,even snow
melts;and if spring should spoil the game,what then?

all history’s a winter sport or three:
but were it five,i’d still insist that all
history is too small for even me;
for and you,exceedingly too small.

Swoop(shrill collective myth)into thy grave
Merely to toil the scale to shrillerness
Per every madge and mabel dick and dave
--tomorrow is our permanent address

and there they’ll scarely find us(if they do,
we’ll move away still further:into now

1944

************************************************



dying is fine)but Death

?o
baby
i

wouldn't like

Death if Death
were
good:for

when(instead of stopping to think)you

begin to feel of it,dying
's miraculous
why?be

cause dying is

perfectly natural;perfectly
putting
it mildly lively(but

Death

is strictly
scientific
& artificial &

evil & legal)

we thank thee
god
almighty for dying
(forgive us,o life!the sin of Death

1950

************************************************


when serpents bargain for the right to squirm
and the sun strikes to gain a living wage--
when thorns regard their roses with alarm
and rainbows are insured against old age

when every thrush may sing no new moon in
if all screech-owls have not okayed his voice
-and any wave signs on the dotted line
or else an ocean is compelled to close

when the oak begs permission of the birch
to make an acorn-valleys accuse their
mountains of having altitude-and march
denounces april as a saboteur

then we'll believe in that incredible
unanimal mankind(and not until)

1950

Enigma - Dreaming Of Andromeda

A visual and musical journey through the heavens.

Walt Whitman - Into the Mystic

Insecurity

I read a question about insecurity on a newsgroup. I think it hit upon a universal concern here. I just consulted my oracle (google) about insecurity and got 9,4300,000 hits! So that must tell us something.
It did make me think and ask what is this insecurity thing and as you will soon see, don’t get me started. Here are some thoughts albeit a little cerebral. LOL

Each of us, no matter what title we put in front of our name has insecurities. It is part of what it means to be human. It is the part which keeps questioning, among other things, ourselves and our relationship to others. Feeling insecure is part of the experience of self rediscovery; the unpleasant part.

The uncertainty of who we are is part of the mystery and wonder of us as beings. This uncertainty is experienced as insecurity, that trepidation felt as we realize the person we thought we were, is not who we are now. On some level, we question who this new person is and we ask ourselves if the one who we thought we were, ever really existed and if they didn’t, is the one we know now any more real? If we don’t know who we are selves are, can even know what is real in the world around us? Not to mention questioning of our own abilities, choices and actions; all of this in response to not knowing.

The mind has an intrinsic need to know, understand and comprehend all that we or others do and/or experience. It is constantly working feverously to make sense it all. If it doesn’t, we find ourselves filled with fear, feelings of inadequacy or superiority. All attempts to give reason to what we experience. We find the internal voices telling us it didn’t turn out as we expected because “I” am not good enough or because “they” are an asshole or idiot.

Security is such a colossal issue that we have whole government organizations concerned with our national or home land security. We have those whose job it is to provide us with security in our homes, work places and shopping malls. Why would we have such vast resources spent on security if there was not insecurity to begin with?

Who is responsible for our personal inner security? Is it our minds, our hearts, our lover, partner or friend? Who is it really who should take ownership of this task? Is insecurity anything more than failure or fear of meeting expectations, ours or others?

Communication is a key towards dealing with insecure feelings. If open, honest and unrestrained communication can be shared, we would realize just how alike we all are in this and other respects. In the process we will find ourselves being more accepting of others and them of us. All in a giant step towards that state of unconditional love and acceptance we all desire.

Another key is seeing that feeling insecure about anything is a normal reaction to the unknown or expectational shortfalls. It is not about our value as a person or who we are. It is not confirmation that we or someone else is not who we/they should be. Each of us is perfectly who we are, one unique, irreplaceable individual unlike any other who ever did or will walk this earth. No one can ever bring to this world or another, the special gifts that each of us has to give. Our task is to see that in ourselves, in others and acknowledge it.

Simple isn’t it? Hell no, if it was, this would not ever be an issue; and the world’s defense budget would be reduced to zero and our taxes would be much less for one thing. LOL Not to mention how much easier living each of our lives would be.

Round and Round We Go

Some things in life just seem to keep repeating over and over. Do we never learn from getting burnt? Why do we continue to do what we know so much better not to do? Why do we keep making the same mistakes and fuckups again and again and again?

Perhaps the lesson is not to learn from the mistake but, instead is to learn from a lifetime of repeating the same one over and over. Like the beat in a song and inseparable from the song, it continues until the song is over.

What if what is being learned is not getting the lesson? If you ever got it, you would not have gotten it. Perhaps it is not a lesson, only a song we must sing, a dance we must dance. When we get past and outside the right and wrong of it, the good and bad, the happy and sad of it; then we will be able to see and hear the show on the stage on which we play.

What is it like to never be able to sing on key or play an instrument and love music like nothing else in life? What is it like to find one’s soul mate only to find you are not theirs and never find another? What is it like to be born unable to walk and dream of running a marathon? Perhaps in our oneness, each of us has a part similar to these questions to live. Through each of our individual lives, the whole that is all of us, will know intimately; what it means to be without and what it really means to have the gifts we do have. Since those that are without will know the value of what those who have have; even if those that have don’t.

When we look at everything in our lives from our perspective, so much of it makes no sense at all. It is often unfair, cruel, stupid, senseless, selfish and miserable. No matter how much we “know” better, knowing makes not the least bit of difference in what we do. Just maybe there is a deeper knowing and a much larger perspective, that we don’t see that does make sense of it all.

Perhaps or perhaps everything is just really fucked.

Cracks in the Darkness

What are cracks in the darkness?

A crack may be only a tiny flaw in an otherwise perfect stone but, it is that flaw which will, with only a slight tap, lead to its destruction. Cracks created in the right places shape uncut diamonds into the exquisite, brilliant stones they become. The crack of a whip can bring pleasure or pain and a crack of thunder will wake you from a sleep to a fantastic fireworks display in the clouds. When all is said and done, it is the tiny crack on the surface which is the catalyst for vast changes in what we perceive as immutable.

How many times have I found myself trapped, alone, in some corner of a seemingly infinite dark depressive void? Knowing without any doubt that, even if I broke free, there would be no where to go, no hope, nothing any better than what has already overwhelmed me.

It is in those darkest moments of hopelessness, when my reasoning and analyzing fail me so completely, that I finally just give up. I become too weak to continue to fight the battle over and over. It is then, when my expectational lenses finally fall from my eyes that I begin to see, it is not really totally dark, cold and empty after all. There is a tiny blemish, a tiny score in the dark void which I missed in all my looking, searching and analyzing of all that was wrong.

As I gaze on that score scratched into the side of the darkness, I see it is, in fact, a crack and there is a feeble light drifting into the darkness. Looking closer, the crack grows and soon my fingers and hands are visible in the light; beautiful, wonderful, loving hands.

The crack grows and comes a window, a door, a room and suddenly a sky; a brilliantly, bright, blue sky, filled with an almost blinding warm light, lifting me higher towards the clouds.

The dark void, gone, melted into the ground, evaporated into nothingness. All this is due to a tiny, insignificant and almost invisible crack.

It is these, the cracks in the darkness which are the seeds of its destruction. No matter how much crap life buries you under, no matter how dark and bleak it becomes, in all the blackness of it all, there are tiny cracks and all it takes is one look, a slight unexpected glance to ignite the light that will vanquish the darkness.

The trick, of course, is in finding the cracks…

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."