Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Something Missing

It seems like there is always some new obstacle to remove or get around as each one is removed. Each one while new also seems to an aspect or new perspective of the previous one. Getting past the “I am not good enough” was a major hurtle that took most of a lifetime to master (or so I thought)and while one surpassed, provided much needed rest, peace and a good portion of euphoria, another deeper and much more intimate and hideous form arose.

I swear, while the crap in our lives may be catalyzing agent and fertilizer to help wondrous, blissful things blossom; the bliss and euphoria is the birth place of all the crap. Or at least it shines a light on it so it can be seen. OK, so maybe it doesn’t create it, but just makes it easily seen and now I have a new opportunity of growth.

Well it is true that opportunities abound for self improvement, but I am left wondering why the hell be given so many fucking broken pieces to work with. Being one mostly whole being, with rough edges to hone would have been quite sufficient and provide an opportunity to polish one magnificent gem. But, to have whole major subsystems missing is a whole different matter. Then when a major subsystem is found and put in, it has major parts missing too. If my car was this dysfunctional, I would have it towed to the junkyard and find another. But on this road, it isn’t an option.

So I am guessing the object of the lesson is to get it all put together and running by the end of the class, right?
Hello (hand raised), can I drop this class and try it again later when I am better prepared???

I found there is something terribly wrong. It just doesn’t make sense. I thought I had finally broken through that barrier when I finally was Ok with me. I mean really OK. I can look myself in the eye and like the person there. I noticed something while lying in bed one night and thinking, like do often. I was trying to remember loving someone and how it felt, how I felt hugging them. I thought about hugging my kids. I could not find one time I could remember that I felt love for anyone when I was hugging them. I could remember once in college, just that one time and nothing before or after. Not my parents, not my kids, any lovers, no one.

It is not that I don’t care; because I do care. I would do anything for my kids. I would without a 2nd thought take a bullet for them and a few others, but that warm feeling that comes from the heart when you are close to or hug someone you really care for, someone you love; it isn’t there.

I am unable to love. The one thing that many would say makes us human is missing from me. I care yes, I like yes, I want yes, I find myself filled with desire and lust yes, but that feeling from the heart for another, even for myself isn’t there. I even have felt “in love” with someone and still nothing there.

In the past when I would find myself in a situation with someone I felt deeply for, when it seemed we were about to express feelings of love to each other, I felt first this emptiness then this major debilitating panic attack. This could happen even with a simple phone conversation or just thinking about an upcoming date with them. Even making love to someone, still nothing felt from my heart, but then lust is all that is needed for good sex anyway, so this was never an issue.

It is a feeling like reaching out to hug someone and finding you don’t have any arms. And then they look at you with those eyes or you hear in their voice something that says “what is so fucking wrong, you don’t love or even like me why are you doing this to me.”

So I thought this was the “I’m not good enough, they will never like me” tape loop that was always running in my head. So I got that am OK, really OK, I am good enough or so I thought. It felt that way I didn’t feel I was lacking, filled with flaws yes, but I was OK with those. The tape was put away and hasn’t been playing for the most part and when it does, I put it away.

So WTF is going on. There is this dark hole in my chest where my heart should be. When I really feel that I love someone and want to feel that love, with them, for them or even while thinking of them, there is nothing there. All I can feel is this empty hole in my fucking chest instead. And the harder I try to find it and feel it, the deeper and more painful this hole becomes. So the truth is I really don’t want to go there. They say love hurts; well it really hurts when you are incapable of loving.

I have found myself to be not a well balanced OK person but a really majorly dysfunctional human (?) instead. Even a tiny child can master loving. So how “do” I get a heart? Sounds like a line from the Wizard of Oz. Well there ain’t any Dorothy to help out with this one, am on my own.

I have looked into some options for the next step. Not sure what I will try just yet, however this whole thing raises some issues and concerns. One I am certain I don’t want to share this with my family; then again I do want to share it, to talk with someone and let it out. But, who would ever understand what the hell I am even talking about; it just sounds way too bazaar. How do you tell your kids you never felt love for them? How do you tell anyone who cares for you and you care for, that you don’t love them and are in capable of loving, period? Then if I can grow a heart through some miracle, how am I going to feel then. All those years and decades, all that regret for what was lost because of my heartlessness? How do you tell someone I do love you, but I can’t feel it when I am with you? You know how FUCKING lame that sounds! LOL

Ah, those tumultuous thoughts forever whirling around in chaos in my warped, twisted, disturbed mind.

And so another rollercoaster ride is about to begin as a new dragon appears with which to do battle. Only this time I know it was all planned, before I even began this life and is as it should be. And I chose it all.

Oh what, WTF was I thinking, is my soul as mentally ill as I? LOL

1 comment:

Argider said...

Well this seems to be a nonissue now. The lost soul part has been retrieved and all the problems seem to have just quietly evaporated without so much as a whimper.
And the ferocious dragon it turns out is but a playful puppy. Life is really strange and over dramatic sometimes.