Last year I set a date to go off into the upper Sierras, away from people, computers, phones, radios, music, books, food and drink. I wanted to get away from all those distractions and diversions that I use as my personal opiates to keep from having to look at me and my relationships with people and things in my life.
There are times when I soar on spiritual and emotional highs; times when my life long search for that illusive truth finds moments of euphoria and bliss; times when the light shines through all the cracks. In those moments the whole universe is my orchestra and I the conductor. In these times it feels like my very soul has expanded to encompass all I see; it feels as if it is caressing and being caressed, flowing through and into every person, being, plant, rock and tiny speck.
Then there are those times when everything is wrong, I am wrong, the world is wrong and even breathing the air is a defilement of the universe and everything it contains. There have been nights I woke up with an almost uncontrollable compulsion to blow my brains out for no apparent reason. I feel confused, frustrated, an alien in a universe which only wants me gone. There is always this nagging feeling that no matter what I do it is never good enough; I am never good enough and never will be no matter what I do. When I feel so alone, so unlovable, it is as if I were some hideous alien creature from some repugnant world of some other universe where the inhabitants are not even remotely human.
So I bounce back and forth from one extreme to the other, seemingly never resting somewhere in between. Seemly I say, because it is only the extremes which are etched in my mind. The in-between time simply go unnoticed. But, the frustration is that often the cycle runs full circle just on my commute to work; others it runs in cycles of days or weeks.
Anyway all this is what is and I get that. As the cycle moves, I have learned to just ride it out, mostly. But, I am missing something, who am “I”, what is this “what IS” and why all the attachment to outcomes and what appears to be? Questions, questions and more questions; any answers found only explode into more questions. The unending merry-go-round of this search for “truth” or whatever it is that feeds and drives this obsession. What really hurts the most is that there is no one who knows and understands what the fuck this is like. I can try to explain, but no one gets it. And I am truly alone with no hope of being otherwise. I want the cycle to stop, my life to stop or find some meaning in it all.
So the reason for this “Vision Quest” as I call it, for lack of a better term is to just sit with me, with myself, with this “I” and get to know them. Somewhere in the getting to know me, I hope to find something I can love unconditionally. I have put too many conditions on my love of myself, too many expectations and criteria for acceptance. I have to start here; there is no one else that deserves my love more. If I can’t love, understand and accept myself and do it unconditionally, then there is no hope for anything. I have fought this battle my whole life. It is time to stop the cycle of self loathing that keeps coming back again and again with every little bump in the road. Maybe not every bump, but it happens much too often and too often has too much of that homey comfortable feel to it.
I would think that by this time in my life I would have it figured out, but I don’t and have been feeling like I never will for some time. So I set the date last year and start tomorrow after work. I am going to go up into the mountains, find some back roads that you need a 4 wheel drive vehicle to drive on and get to a place that feels right, far from campers, hikers and people, just to sit with myself, and nature; sit and just listen, be with whatever happens or comes to visit. I have a ceremony to create my circle with stones, call in the directions, my guides, create sacred space and bless it; in which I will sit fasting for 3 nights and days. During this time I am going to meditate and try to open my mind and heart to whatever speaks to me, whatever I feel or appears to me.
I will see what happens. I have been planning this for almost a year now and am doing this quest with the option of it being a one way trip. It is time to put all the cards on the table, all or nothing. I am done with the merry-go-round; so Universe, give me some sense of my purpose or I quit.