Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It Matters Little

It matters little how much any of us are deeply loved by someone. If we are not loved by the one we are most intimate with, ourselves; we will never really feel loved or understood.

Someone once said to me I need to learn to love myself. Love myself? Even the question drew a blank. There is nothing to love, I am unlovable, undeserving of love and nothing can ever change that. Of all the battles to fight in life, of all those to forgive the hardest and most unforgivable was myself. It wasn’t for anything in particular; there was something at the core of my soul which was eternally unforgivable and unlovable. Try as I may to find what wrong I needed to right, what evil I had done which could not be forgiven, none could be found. But, it was there, I knew it, I felt it and could not make it go away.

So here I am, the most unforgivable, most unlovable being in this or any universe. These are not just words but how I truly have felt my whole life. Yes, the academic excursions, sex, drugs, positive affirmations, meditations, and all the other fixes failed to do anything but provide a temporary distraction from what I felt.

So it all comes to this:
I am unforgivable, and I forgive myself.
I am unlovable, and I love myself.

And this is the paradox.

No answers, no fixes, no path or way to happiness.

It is being completely immersed in the paradox, diving in without any hope of ever coming up for air, letting go of a need for answers or fixes. In this seemly horrific experience, it all melts away and only limitless joy remains.

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