Even in the darkest moments of our lives, there lie hidden, often far from sight, cracks in the darkness, openings to joy and light.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Reasons, Feelings and Choices
Some time, if each of us is lucky or perhaps unlucky as it may sometimes seem, we will meet someone we feel we have known for many, maybe even hundreds of lifetimes. Someone we would walk thousands of lifetimes with through, famine, floods, wastelands, desolation or even cut out our own heart and willingly hand to them, if they needed it; without a moment’s hesitation.
What does one do when they read or hear someone’s words and something is said that is beyond the words? Where each word becomes like a tiny window, each opening up a larger opening into a world that for the first time feels like home.
I gazed into her eyes and nothing else mattered. I felt complete and whole; a huge chasm in my heart, which has bled and ached for lifetimes, was filled and healed.
I finally knew what love meant. All those tear jerker movies, which always seemed so stupid, suddenly wrung my heart, bringing tears to MY eyes; eyes which only days before had only shown a snicker or condescending smirk.
I said this is the one, my soul mate, my perfect match, the perfect woman. All the minds, mannerisms, face, hair, height, eyes, laugh, everything pieced together from the best of all I have ever, found attractive in a woman and more. The choice was so simple; nothing needed to be thought or discussed. But, it was not simple; it was not obvious and it was, most certainly NOT clear cut. I stood before a mirror a royal prince and saw gazing back at me a decaying leper, whose declaration of love to my princess, would only defile the very ground upon which she stood.
Reality the final judge had opened my eyes to truth; reason the victorious prosecutor has pled his case so very well. Unfortunately, my only defense, I could muster, for this case, rest with her testimony; one which was never successfully summoned. Calls, emails, requests for dinner, lunch or a short coffee, all met with silence or no shows. Yes the testimony of silence spoke volumes to the judge and the prosecutor who listened but, fell on deaf ears with the defense and defendant.
They say only a fool is his own defense attorney. And in a case such as this, only a fool would even bring such a case to court. A sound mind would never be swayed by such absurd folly. But the heart is the worst of fools, foolishly in love and utterly devoid of reason.
But therein lays the magic and the wonder, which makes life worth every infinitesimal drop of pain, misery and emptiness it seems to contain. It is the foolish heart which instantly smashes reason utterly with one glance into another’s eye; smashes it before even the first reasoning synapse has begun to fire its retort. It is that foolish eruption from the depths of the soul which sends it flying through the ends of time and space. It is lifetimes of love and wholeness because it transcends all time, all space, all lifetimes, all existence, to be just this ONE eternal moment, without end. It is THIS moment which holds and contains all of life and meaning.
But it is far more than this; it is EVERY moment which contains ALL of life, all of love, all the joy, all of the ONE eternal moments at its core. If only we listen to the silent music playing behind all the noise of reason’s firing synapses, shouts and rants.
We do make choices, judgments and decisions each and everyday. We think we live a life formed, shaped and caused by all of them. But, the truth is, no matter how much our internal critics, judges and reasoners tell us of our failures, foolishness and mistakes; each moment of now, has no past, no future and most importantly, no present. It is timeless, causeless and reasonless; never to be repeated again, in or out of space or time.
It is not about what was found or lost. It is not about finding completeness or wholeness. Those special moments when it all seems to come together, fulfilling our dreams and deepest desires are just a sampling of what is to be found in each moment of our lives.
Does that mean that this woman was just another moment which has come, gone and drifted into the past? No she IS a wonderfully special woman, perhaps the most special woman I may ever know; moving me in ways I never thought possible, even this moment. Those feelings and moments are always there; they were, will be and are eternal and timeless.
However, each moment holds its own timeless gifts, wonders and special specialness. Going into and being with each moment allows us to seize with extreme gusto each and every gift it contains. Our internal judges, critics and reasonings, may TRY to pass judgments and verdicts on our hearts actions but, they have no power or authority to do so, unless WE, the final arbitrators, chose to give it to them.
There is choice, our choice. Choose freedom, choose joy, choose to be in all that is, the now, this timeless moment. For me, I choose now this moment, I choose freedom and am eternally free.
I have always been a searcher, looking for the Holy Grail, philosopher’s stone or ovum anguinum; searching for some hidden secret hidden knowledge which would transform my being into something more worthy than I felt it to be.
I searched, spent years of study of Quantum Mechanics, Physics, Cosmology, and Microbiology. I searched the esoteric writings of enlightened eastern, western mystics and established religions, all to no avail. The truth I sought, was not to be found in this world or the next, it was not anything which could be grasp, held in my hand or given to another.
The closest I have come to seeing truth was to gaze into the eyes of a new born babe. It is this innocent wonder, the light of the Divine Mystery shining out from the soul; which is love, life, and truth.
This Holy Grail is found within, if only I dare to look through the darkness which cloaks it so well and walk quietly, patiently, waiting for those rare moments when the dark clouds part and the light shines, warming the empty coldness which so often engulfs me.