Sunday, November 4, 2007

Vincent Van Gogh Starry Night

There has always been a part of me that I see in his life and paintings. Perhaps that is why they have always had special meaning.

I think there are many of us who at times, feel the meaninglessness of life; our own powerlessness and helplessness to make a difference, or be understood on even the most rudimentary level. Watching the video “Vincent's Final Moments” [] I remembered being there in that same space and wonder why the trigger was never pulled. I suspect it was due, to really not being there, with the deep feelings of the fruitlessness of living and not having even the slightest glimmer of hope remaining, which prevented that final pull of the trigger.

Yet, there was also the knowledge that death is not the end. There is no way to truly end it all. It is then when I find myself in those times of darkness that it is even more painful because, I know there is no way to stop the pain, easily and swiftly.

Of course, there is still a nagging thought, that just maybe, I have never gone to the point where my knowing is that covered in darkness (like it was for Vincent) and it is only a matter of time until I carry out a similar final, and perhaps only, act of true freedom I have within my power to do.

Then I think this is like the thoughts I have had of crossing a street, seeing it clear of traffic and then thinking perhaps, it is all an illusion and there really is a large truck coming down the street which I will be stepping in front of as I step off the curb.

Truth is I do know better, it just my obsessive, questioning mind, which questions even its own sanity and existence. Perhaps what it is I have to explore, share and offer is the shared experience of going to that edge, being able to step off into the void and finding there was never a void after all but, instead a path of firm stone upon which I would be stepping onto. Kind of like the act of faith from the Indiana Jones movie, “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”.

I am wondering why I am evening writing this, as I am in a very happy, uplifted mood today. It is certainly not a time for time for dark and gloomy thoughts or writings. Guess it all started when I saw the first video “Starry Night” earlier today in an email I got. It did resonate with me and the darker part of who sometimes feel I am. It also reminded me of the importance of that faith in the universal spirit, who I am and who we are; which should always be remembered no matter how dark, lonely, empty and hopeless; it all seems to be.

Perhaps I just need to put a reminder on my forehead (or trigger finger) to remind me, so I don’t forget.

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