Monday, September 10, 2007

Eating Fish and Chips

I found myself sitting in an old style drive-in hamburger place. The kind with the covered parking places right out front, like out of a 50’s movie. No one came out to take my order like in the movies though. This place must have been there forever and hadn’t changed a bit, except for the service, of course. So I go inside where it is cool, with air conditioning. It felt so good. Wanted to order a nice big cheese burger but, went healthy instead with the “fish.” Yea, real healthy fish buried in batter and deep fried in lard. LOL

Anyway so here I am eating my “healthy” fish and chips (fish and veggies), when I begin looking across the street. Here right in Fresno, which if you don’t know where that is, well it is in middle of an oven called the San Joaquin Valley in south central California. The drive-in has air conditioning so I’m cool, relaxing, just looking across that baking sheet of a road at the very peaceful place, with grass and trees and some carved stones.

It has this big sign “Mountain View Cemetery” right across the entrance. MOUNTAIN VIEW, it says and there are no mountains anywhere to be seen. This valley is just one big, hot, flat desert and I have no idea where the found the mushrooms to eat before naming that place. I guess it really doesn’t matter anyway because everyone in residence there couldn’t see them anyway. Or maybe they see something the rest of us can’t see.

As I am looking out over all the markers I can’t help but be over come with envy for all those lying beneath. I was aching to share in their nothingness; the quiet, solitude, my mind finally quiet and the pain inside finally gone. Hopeless for them no long matters, it died with them.

Life is just feeling so empty, depressing and meaningless now. This is the usual depressing crap, food is good, I guess, I loved fish and chips but, I am not enjoying eating it. I had just come from a demo put on my the computer group I belong to, it should have really excited me, it didn’t. Everything is just shades of gray, no color, no taste, no fragrance or anything that would be enjoyable.

So I finished my healthy meal and drove over to a park by the zoo, found a quiet bench by a beautiful pond with a fountain in the middle, to read. I Open up the book I am reading “Fight, Flight, Surrender” by Brett McGibbon to next page past my book mark. What is the only poem on the page read.

in the twilight
walking on a moonlight
sounds so right –

I think I might”

Yes, signs again meaning what? It does so reflect what I am feeling, it does sound so right. Perhaps I am the sign painter. Now that concept sucks, I would hope that they are being painted by someone or something more insightful than me.

I know, I really do know, I can choose to continue like this, feeling like this or I can choose to move towards happiness. I do know and understand that, I know all the right stuff to do to get there, even if I don’t feel it but, right now, I simply don’t want to be happy. So everyone who wants to fix me can put that in there pipe and smoke it. I don’t want to feel joy, or sadness, to be up or down, it all just does not really matter to me one way or the other what I feel because in the end, as well as the middle, it doesn’t matter.

If I choose one or the other, create one or the other; it really will not make slightest, fucking difference to anyone, including myself, life in general, the world or that dead leaf blowing across the grass in front of me. Really after I am gone, maybe my kids will remember some bit and grandkids even less but, after them nothing. So I should be happy while I am here to enjoy it. It makes the same sense as going on vacation, after it’s over it is as if it never even happed. Only in this case, there are not even memories.

If there is an after life, what then, well either everything is wonderful or it’s hell. I certainly know I have screwed up most everything I could already so, it ain’t going to be wonderful. The best I can hope for is oblivion; if, instead, it’s reincarnation which happens, then that shit is even worse, just more of the same forever. I haven’t changed or improved one iota in this life, a few thousand more isn’t going make and difference.

So that is all the crap that is running through my head, and bleeding out of the gashes in my chest as I am sitting hear trying to read, what I had considered a wonderfully inspiring and thought provoking book.

So let’s see, where is all this going and where am I, how did I get here and is this the end or am I going to finally make it the end.

It is all coming back to that same place, emptiness and meaninglessness. It is that place which gives birth to new life and possibilities. But, this dieing, this ripping out of everything inside, is so much agony and pain; that real death would be such a blessing. So I guess, I will just sit here by this little pond, watching the water shoot up into the breeze out of the fountain and wait until the dieing is done.

Then I can fully embrace the emptiness and meaninglessness with all my heart and soul or at least what remains of them, when all I know them to be is gone.

Time ticks along...

I’m still sitting here, now looking up at the tree branches of this huge tree behind the concrete bench I am sitting on and just looking at those dead branches up there. Sitting and wondering, if I am one of them, waiting to be cut away and burned or am I the tree just needing to be pruned?

Waiting some more. Oh isn't it just wonderful that time moves.

I am still pondering the question, the answer just isn’t clear quite yet.

Yea, well really it’s that the questions haven’t cleared away quite yet. LOL
They will, they always do. Patience, that's all it takes a little fucking more damn patience!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I feel it too. It is a dark night of the soul, testing your strength and faith. Ride the wave, it will be over when you completely accept it. My prayers are with you M.
x Sarah (Koi Ai Kitty)